CEO Declares Company a Family, Immediately Asks Cousins to Work Weekends for Free
In a sweeping rebranding effort aimed at “humanizing corporate culture,” the CEO of logistics software firm LogiCore, Daniel Barstow, announced Wednesday that the company is officially “a family now,” before promptly asking his newly designated “cousins” to come in on Saturday and Sunday without pay.
“Families stick together through thick and thin,” Barstow told employees at an all-hands meeting livestreamed from the firm's nap pod lounge. “And just like any family, sometimes cousins need to help each other move a metaphorical couch by working 14-hour shifts this weekend. For free. Because you can’t put a price tag on unconditional love.”
Barstow unveiled the company’s new values framework, titled Mission: Family First, which redefines standard business terms with familial equivalents. Middle managers are now “uncles,” interns are “nephews,” and the payroll department has been rebranded as “Grandma’s Purse.” The CEO emphasized that “promotions will no longer be based on performance alone, but also on who remembers to text their aunt back.”
Experts on organizational psychology say the move is consistent with a growing trend among companies to exploit the language of kinship in lieu of tangible benefits. “We’re seeing more firms describe themselves as families,” said Dr. Marcia Huang, professor of workplace studies at Cornell. “However, in this particular case, the analogy has gone further than usual. For instance, it’s rare for actual families to unilaterally cancel everyone’s dental plan and call it ‘tough love.’”
Some employees expressed skepticism about the policy, particularly after Barstow circulated a sign-up sheet titled Potluck: Bring Your Own Laptop. “I thought maybe this meant we’d get stock options or at least flexible hours,” said software engineer David Ecklund. “But instead, he said we’d be paid in ‘your older brother’s respect.’ I don’t even have an older brother.”
To further cement the family brand, the company has begun implementing weekly rituals such as “mandatory board game night,” where employees are to gather in the breakroom at 9 p.m. to play Monopoly until Barstow wins. The CEO has also hinted at forthcoming traditions, including a “Thanksgiving Zoom” where he will carve a turkey over video call while reminding his staff that unlimited holiday time is merely “a fantasy story mothers tell their children at bedtime.”
Human Resources—now renamed Aunt Cheryl’s Corner—issued new guidelines clarifying that employees are expected to “forgive and forget” any disciplinary actions and to pass along corporate memos as bedtime stories to their children. “We are nurturing a multi-generational workplace family,” wrote HR director Lisa Martinez in an email, “which is just like a normal family except instead of receiving inheritance, employees receive non-transferable brand affirmation points.”
Despite criticism that the initiative is exploitative, Barstow remained upbeat. “At the end of the day, we’re family,” he said. “And if that doesn’t convince you to punch in at 5 a.m. on Sunday with a smile, then maybe you’ll enjoy being grounded.”
Shareholders report that the company will next consider paying quarterly dividends in the form of hugs.