CINCINNATI, OH — After years of relentless dedication, meticulous binge-planning, and occasional sacrifice of personal hygiene, local resident Greg Larson announced Tuesday that he had officially “finished” streaming platform StreamMax+, becoming the first person in recorded history to consume every piece of content the platform has to offer.
“I just powered through the final 27-part documentary on the evolution of European pruning shears, and when the credits rolled, the site confirmed I was done,” said Larson, 34, staring blankly at his television while nursing a celebratory Mountain Dew Code Red. “An empty homepage popped up with a message saying, ‘Congratulations! You’ve consumed it all. Please go outside.’ I didn’t even know that was possible.”
StreamMax+ executives confirmed the unprecedented achievement, lauding Larson for his perseverance but admitting they never designed the interface with “total completion” in mind. “Our research suggested the human body would break down somewhere around season 7 of Denver County Zoning Board Meetings: The Series,” said StreamMax+ spokesperson Carol Nguyen, who noted the typical subscriber never makes it past the opening credits of Cooking With Condiments: Peru Edition. “Mr. Larson is now being used as a test case to study both the limits of human endurance and why anyone would sit through all 186 episodes of Celebrity Competitive Jigsaw Puzzles.”
Family members expressed concern, saying they hadn’t seen Larson stand up in over three months. “When Greg missed his sister’s wedding, we thought, okay, maybe the plot twist in Dog Detectives: Miami Unit was really gripping,” said his mother, Linda Larson. “But by the time he skipped Christmas because he had to finish the 52-hour Korean Train Station Nosferatus, we began to worry.”
Health officials have warned that completing an entire streaming library may place stress not only on the musculoskeletal system but also on cognition. “We’re studying the neurological effects of watching more than 40,000 hours of media without a single break,” said Dr. Alan Foster of the Digital Wellness Institute. “Initial scans suggest his brain has restructured itself into a menu-based interface where thoughts are divided into categories such as ‘New Releases,’ ‘Because You Watched German Carpentry Mysteries,’ and ‘Continue Watching Despite Hatred.’”
Reaching the end of the service reportedly triggered a unique StreamMax+ feature in which the system auto-generates a live video of a corporate executive reading a congratulatory note. Larson’s message, delivered by CEO Riley Cobb, included a complimentary coupon for one free month of service and a vague suggestion that he “maybe spend some time outside to absorb natural light.”
Asked about his future, Larson admitted to feeling conflicted. “There’s definitely a void now that I’ve finished everything ever made. But luckily, StreamMax+ is launching a new content partnership next week. As soon as they upload the 14-season Icelandic courtroom dramedy Harald’s Habeas, I’ll get right back on track,” he said before opening his window blinds for the first time since 2021.
At press time, Larson was reportedly considering branching out and trying human interaction, but only if it came with a ‘Skip Intro’ button.