Corporate Memo Warns Employees Not To Attempt Spontaneous Human Interaction Without Prior Approval
SEATTLE, WA — Corporate communications officials at microelectronics giant Novionix Systems announced Tuesday that all employees will now be required to obtain managerial approval before engaging in unscheduled human interaction with coworkers, citing “workflow efficiency concerns” and “the unpredictable risk of camaraderie.”
According to the new mandate, every spontaneous conversation, gesture, or acknowledgment of another employee’s existence must be logged at least 48 business hours in advance via the company’s proprietary EngageSafe™ scheduling portal. Conversations not properly documented will reportedly be “subject to review by Human Resources and potentially treated as covert interpersonal activity.”
“While the company recognizes the importance of occasional collegial interaction, we also want to ensure that these exchanges are productive, tightly structured, and do not recklessly trigger cooperation not directly aligned with our quarterly growth strategy,” said Ellen McConvey, Senior Vice President of Culture Optimization. “Even something as simple as a ‘good morning’ can cascade into a five-minute exchange about weather, traffic, or lunch options, which can significantly disrupt departmental KPIs.”
Employees say the policy has already had a chilling effect. “When I walked past my cube-mate yesterday, I instinctively started to nod, but then remembered I hadn’t filled out Form C-472, ‘Acknowledgment of Co-worker Presence,’” reported systems analyst Daniel Yung, who subsequently avoided eye contact by pretending to Google ‘how to properly Google something.’ “We ended up walking 40 feet together in total silence. Honestly, it felt like the safest course of action.”
Company officials cite an internal study claiming that unregulated human interaction costs Novionix upwards of 11,000 productivity hours annually. “Three percent of our employees admitted that they had once adjusted their posture toward a teammate in a non-agendized way,” said McConvey. “That has to stop.”
Industry analysts suggest that Novionix may be on the leading edge of a broader trend in corporate culture. “Other companies already micromanage bathroom breaks, so it’s only natural to extend oversight into chit-chat,” said Dr. Rachel Gunderson, a researcher at the Center for Workplace Containment. “Frankly, interaction is one of the last freedoms workers have, and eliminating it ensures a seamless transition to the all-robot labor force without any jarring cultural discrepancies.”
To aid compliance, Novionix rolled out a series of laminated cue cards workers can silently display when approached. Options include: “Interaction Denied: No Prior Authorization,” “Let's Schedule This For Thursday At 3:15,” and “Please Email HR Before Making Eye Contact.”
Though some employees have privately expressed unease, executives insist morale remains high. “We’re proud to report that our staff engagement scores remain unchanged,” McConvey noted. “Those scores come from a survey no one was allowed to discuss, so it’s an incredibly accurate measurement.”
As of press time, several employees had reportedly been sent home with pay deducted after accidentally laughing at the same time in the cafeteria—a clear violation of the new protocol governing synchronized human noises.