HarvestMart Launches 'FreshRent' Produce Subscription for the Indecisive Shopper

NATIONWIDE — In an effort officials described as “meeting customers where their produce anxiety is,” national grocery chain HarvestMart on Tuesday launched a subscription service that lets shoppers re...

Oct 19, 2025

Nationwide Desk

AI Startup Raises $200 Million To Disrupt The Concept Of Having Ideas

SAN FRANCISCO — MuseLess, a stealth-mode startup promising to eliminate the cognitive burden of generating original thought, announced Wednesday that it raised $200 million in a Series B round to "dis...

Oct 12, 2025

Tech & Innovation Desk

Twitter Introduces Feature That Instantly Regrets Your Post For You

SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter on Tuesday unveiled a new feature that automatically issues formal regret on behalf of users the instant they post something they are likely to regret, the company said, promis...

Sep 30, 2025

Tech & Culture Desk

Area Dog Still Pretending Not To Understand 'Come Here' Command

SOMERVILLE, MA — Neighbors say the family dog on Maple Street continues to feign ignorance of the "come here" command, a pattern of willful noncompliance that residents described Monday as both predic...

Sep 29, 2025

Local News Desk

Neighborhood HOA Bans Clouds For Not Matching Community's Aesthetic

Crestwood Heights Homeowners Association voted Tuesday to ban clouds from the community, citing long-standing aesthetic standards in the neighborhood’s amended covenants and a unanimous desire among h...

Sep 28, 2025

Community News Desk

Local Man Shocked to Learn Recycling Bin Not Magical Portal To Sustainability

HARRISBURG, Pa. — After a decade of dutifully depositing pizza boxes, cracked phones and a childhood science-fair volcano into his curbside recycling bin, local man Jeremy Novak said Monday he was “pr...

Sep 27, 2025

Metro Desk

Scientists Confirm Exercise Works, Nation Responds With Collective Groan

WASHINGTON — After decades of preliminary evidence, modest claims, and at least two viral TED Talks, scientists on Monday confirmed what doctors, trainers, and parents have been insisting for years: e...

Sep 26, 2025

Health & Science Desk

White House Unveils Plan to Solve Inflation by Printing Larger Font on Dollar Bills

White House Unveils Plan To Solve Inflation By Printing Larger Font On Dollar Bills WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold attempt to curb inflation without raising interest rates or pursuing complex fiscal ref...

Sep 25, 2025

Politics Desk

Apple Announces Revolutionary New iPhone Feature: Actually Works as a Phone

CUPERTINO, CA—In a move hailed by industry analysts as “boldly retro,” Apple announced Wednesday that its upcoming iPhone model will feature a groundbreaking new function: the ability to operate as an...

Sep 24, 2025

Technology Desk

CEO Declares Company a Family, Immediately Asks Cousins to Work Weekends for Free

CEO Declares Company a Family, Immediately Asks Cousins to Work Weekends for Free In a sweeping rebranding effort aimed at “humanizing corporate culture,” the CEO of logistics software firm LogiCore, ...

Sep 23, 2025

Business Satire Desk

Study Finds 87% of Homeowners Only Clean Right Before Someone Comes Over

A new study from the Institute for Domestic Habits has revealed that 87% of homeowners exclusively engage in household cleaning rituals in the frantic hours before guests arrive, with the remaining 13...

Sep 22, 2025

Lifestyle Desk

NFL to Replace Referees With Twitter Polls for More Democratic Calls

In a sweeping move meant to “modernize and democratize the sport,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that referees will be phased out entirely by the 2025 season, with all penalty calls...

Sep 20, 2025

Sports Satire Desk

Local Man’s Pickling Obsession Threatens to Drown Neighborhood in Beet Brine

COLUMBUS, OH—Declaring that he is “ready to explore some artisanal fermentation this year,” area resident Kyle Brennan, 32, confirmed Monday his decision to get seriously into pickling, a lifestyle an...

Sep 19, 2025

Lifestyle Desk

Doctors Recommend Eight Hours of Sleep, Netflix Asks if They're Sure

Doctors Recommend Eight Hours of Sleep, Netflix Asks if They’re Sure In a rare clash between the medical establishment and the entertainment industry, public health officials reaffirmed this week that...

Sep 19, 2025

Health & Culture Desk

Des Moines Declares Potholes Official Historical Landmarks

In a dazzling display of civic ingenuity, the Des Moines City Council has unanimously approved a new program that reimagines potholes not as urban nuisances, but as cultural treasures. Instead of spen...

Sep 18, 2025

Metro Satire Desk

Nation’s Workplaces Begin Mandatory ‘Silent Screaming Breaks’ To Address Rising Stress Levels

WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented move to curb employee burnout, companies across the country have begun implementing “silent screaming breaks,” a wellness initiative that allows workers to release pent-...

Sep 16, 2025

Satire Desk

Dunkin’ Launches $9.99 Subscription for Customers to Simply Smell Coffee

BOSTON—In an effort to redefine the concept of a coffee break, Dunkin’ has introduced an “Ambient Coffee™” subscription that lets customers inhale unlimited amounts of fresh-brewed aroma without ever ...

Sep 15, 2025

Culture Desk

Glendale’s Smart Trash Cans Demand Citizens Fold Garbage Into Perfect Geometric Shapes

In its latest bid to revolutionize everyday life through algorithms, the city of Glendale has rolled out Wi-Fi-enabled trash cans that now issue smartphone alerts whenever residents attempt to dispose...

Sep 14, 2025

Tech & Society Desk

Workers Rally for Real-Life Ctrl+Z to Erase Everyday Blunders

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A growing coalition of America’s office workers issued an urgent appeal Monday for the federal government to implement a real-world "Ctrl+Z" function that would allow citizens to in...

Sep 13, 2025

Office Culture Desk

City Bistro Ordered to Stop Using Quotation Marks Around 'Pastries'

A municipal judge issued a peculiar injunction Wednesday ordering a downtown bistro to remove quotation marks from its menu after a patron argued that the punctuation implied the pastries were not, in...

Sep 13, 2025

Food Desk

City Council Approves Urgent Motion to Address Two‑Day Work Week

The City Council on Friday moved with the urgency of a body finally realizing a calendar existed, unanimously approving an "immediate study" into the phenomenon many residents now call the two‑day wor...

Sep 13, 2025

Staff Writer

Local Grandma Declares War on AI Recipe Apps After Bot 'Steals' Her Biscuits

Martha Lane, 78, has spent half a century perfecting biscuits that crumble like memories and taste like Sunday mornings. This week she declared an unprecedented campaign against generative AI after a ...

Sep 13, 2025

Culture Desk

Startup Launches 'Aspiration-as-a-Service' to Help People Feel Like They're Working

Investors cheered Monday when a stealthy startup announced it had productized the feeling of progress with a new platform called "Aspiration‑as‑a‑Service" — a subscription system that promises career ...

Sep 13, 2025

Business Desk

Local Man Claims He'll Start Diet Tomorrow, Still Ordering Pizza

HENDERSON — In what neighbors described as a "very sincere and definitely-not-impulsive" declaration, local man Mark Henderson announced Monday that he will begin his diet tomorrow, then immediately p...

Jan 1, 2025

Jane Reporter

Corporate Memo Warns Employees Not To Attempt Spontaneous Human Interaction Without Prior Approval

Corporate Memo Warns Employees Not To Attempt Spontaneous Human Interaction Without Prior Approval SEATTLE, WA — Corporate communications officials at microelectronics giant Novionix Systems announced...

Jun 15, 2024

Business Absurdities Desk

Nation’s Dogs Form Labor Union, Demand Compensation for Emotional Support Work

In a historic shake-up to America’s labor landscape, dogs across the country announced Thursday that they have formally unionized under the banner of the “Canine Brotherhood of Emotional Service Provi...

Jun 7, 2024

Domestic Affairs Desk

Area Man Proudly Becomes First Person To Finish Entire Streaming Service

CINCINNATI, OH — After years of relentless dedication, meticulous binge-planning, and occasional sacrifice of personal hygiene, local resident Greg Larson announced Tuesday that he had officially “fin...

Jun 3, 2024

Technology & Culture Desk

U.S. Town Requires All Residents To Own At Least One Decorative Throw Pillow By 2025

SPRINGDALE, OH—In what city officials are calling “a bold step toward community cohesion and decorative uniformity,” the Springdale City Council voted unanimously Tuesday to mandate that every househo...

Jun 1, 2024

Satire Desk